If this made any sense, I'd get paid to do it!
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Mon, 01 Feb 2010
An Open Letter to My Local Grocery Store
Hello,
You don't know me, but I'm one of your customers. I'm the guy that shows up in my PJ's at 11 at night looking to buy beer, condoms, saltines, and hot sauce. I'm also the guy that comes in on Sundays and spends an hour with his wife shopping for 20 minutes worth of groceries. And I'm the guy that comes back Monday evening to buy what we forgot to buy on Sunday. I know you have no idea who I am, and that's cool. I get it. But I think it's time we have a heart-to-heart talk. You see, you've been on the asshole roller-coaster for way too long, and its finally time to straighten things out.
The simple explanation is that you are really suck at what you do. I know you don't understand what its like for us commoners who have to do our own shopping, but I'm asking you to try. Maybe think about things from our perspective for once.
1) The Parking Lot Experience
On average parking lots have 200 parking spots, 70 cars, 57 concrete islands, 12 stop signs, and 2 entrance/exits. Lets analyze these numbers a bit: I get that you have 200 spots because you never want your customers to be unable to park. That makes sense. And the amount of filled spots? Well, you'd rather that number be higher, but you really can't dictate the amount of customers you have. I get that as well.
The rest of the items on that list are what we're really concerned with here. I'm just wondering who decided to hire H.R. Giger to design the parking lot? All I'm sayin' is that I shouldn't need to remember I parked in Goofy-5 to pick up chips.
Most lots are really just one big rectangle along the perimeter, so why all the complications inside? I feel like I should have to fight a minotaur once I reach the entrance to the store. Want to see a good parking lot?
Try this:
Pictured above: Common-freakin'-sense
See? Its just a square. It may not be fancy, but at least it isn't complicated.
You're parking lot looks more like this:
Now I know how my Sims feel when take away pool's ladder
Why would you do this? Do you have some intense hatred for efficiency? Do you have uncontrolled road rage? Couldn't you do something more creative? Like driving bumper cars through a monastery or something?
2) Finding My Groceries
Once I have navigated the nightmare that is the parking lot, I get to pass under the sign that says "Abandon all hope Ye who enter here" and actually start my shopping.
I understand that you design your store so that the most commonly bought items are in the back. I know you do this so that I have to walk all the way across the store to get them. I also know that you want me to see fabric softener on the way there, and remember I'm out and buy it. But let me lay something heavy on you:
7/11
That's right. Your store's layout and Slurpees are the two reasons that 7/11 exists. I know that the milk at 7/11 is three weeks old and costs $1 more. But you know what? I don't care. I would rather pull in, risk getting into a fight with the homeless guy out front, and pay more for an inferior product. Why? Because at 7/11 I turn into a milk-buying version of The Flash. In this magical land, I can grab milk faster than a 15 year old can orgasm. And I can be back home getting my lactic ass-explosions faster than I can walk across your store.
I know that 7/11 isn't your biggest competitor, and the $3.50 you lose isn't worth you dropping your monocle over. But I don't think you realize how many times I go out for just milk. Look at all your purchases and tell me how many people buy just eggs. Probably not that many. And before you pat yourself on the back for making me tricking me into buying powdered doughnuts with my butter, take a look at how many 7/11 stores there are, and remember that there is a reason they are in business.
3) Buying My Groceries
We're going to have to organize your Failures into sub-bulletin points for this one:
A) You have 40 customers and 15 cashier booths. How many of those booths are open? 3. Why? Because apparently you hate America, that's why. I hope that when you die, you end up in purgatory and have to wait an extra 3000 years to get out because God decides not to open another lane.
B) Of the aforementioned booths, 2 will be "15 items or less." Out of these 2, both will have someone with 19 items. If the lanes are 15 items or less, why doesn't the computer automatically stop at 15? Better yet, have a sign with flashy lights drop-down and anounce the mouth-breather's presence and lack of ability to count past 15. It gives them a consequence for their actions. And since we're on the "express" lane: Lets say I "expressly" kicked you in the balls. Suddenly, 15 doesn't seem so "express" anymore, does it? Knock it down to 7 and we have a deal.
C) Self check-out was the greatest idea ever created until you implemented it. For God's sake, why do I have to wait 10 seconds between scanning each item to watch a crappy flash video on how to scan peas? Being that I was born after 1930, I know how this "magical" device works. I don't need instructions AFTER I'VE ALREADY SCANNED SOMETHING! And if someone is too dumb to figure out how it works, Darwinism proposes that he doesn't get eat, and everyone is happier for it. Just let me scan as fast as a normal check-out guy, and I'll get out of your hair and go home. Speaking of going home...
4) Going Home
Now that I've wandered the florescent-light hell that is your store, I get to go home. Sweet sweet bliss awaits me... until I have to return a cart. Contrary to popular belief, I am not an always an asshole. I will usually deposit my cart in the appropriate receptical. What I won't do is hunt for said receptical. If I cant see the cart-return from my car, guess what? It's going on the curb. If I need a sextant and a treasure map to find the cart return, I'm not returning it. I know you want to save room for cars, but since your parking lot is never even half full, I think you could spare a few more spots for cart-returns.
Conclusion:
I'm glad we had this talk. I don't really think you'll listen, but then again, maybe you'll surprise me...
or not...
Sun, 31 Jan 2010
Facebook Drama
Warning! This is a Dramatic FaceBook Area! If you find these issues dull, jeuvenile, or flat out stupid, skip this article. It is all of the above. You have been warned.
Back in 2006, I was involved it a pretty special event. You can read more about it here. That is an exact copy from my MySpace page, typo's and all. The TL;DR version is that some guy got drunk and hit me. Wasn't all that fun at the time, but I do find it humorous now. I mention it in stories from time to time, but I don't think I've published anything about it since. And I NEVER mentioned any names. Ever. Even though most of my friends and family have never met any of the people involved. I generally don't believe in publishing stories/articles with anyone's name in them. People do stupid things, and sometimes they regret them. I don't want to publicize their mistakes so as to be able to track it back to them.
Some might call me petty or childish to bring these events back up, and I would agree. It is childish to bring these kinds of things up, especially after 4 years. I've gotten over this event. If Mr. X came and apologized or even offered a rebuttal, I would hear him out. But I don't think much about how I dislike him. It's not really worth the time or effort for me.
It's come to my attention that some people involved in the aforementioned incident have been bad-mouthing me on FaceBook. I find this a little hysterical, and mostly sad. 4 years later and your still angry? And posting my full name and derogatory comments on FaceBook? Really? Are you 12?
Anyway, if anyone has any legitimate issues about me or what I post, please let me know about them. Please don't badmouth me on FaceBook to other people. I have only had one post about this incident, which was available for comments, and recieved nothing substantial. I have yet to see any public posting from the opposing side of this story. My MySpace post was available for comments, and this blog is available for comments as well.
Fuck stupid, overly-dramatic people.
And have a nice day. |:)
Remember Kids, Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires
This post was copied in it's entirety (Typo's and all!) from my MySpace blog. I posted it September 10, 2006.
Ah camping. Its so much fun. As a kid, I used to hate it. I'd spend the night in the tent, while my parents spent the night in the RV. We'd be forced to take showers, eat unknown food substances... etc. Nowadays, I love to camp. I love to wake up because of the sun shining through the tent. I love smores, and hot dogs, and creeks. Good times camping.
Melissa and I have some friends that are leaving for Arizona soon. Someone decided that we should have a camping trip to celebrate them leaving/say goodbye. Hell, I was excited to go camping for any reason. Mmmm smores.... Anyway, we got a camping site up in Ojai. I'm not sure what the campsite was called, but it was decent. I like to camp a little more rustically than my fellow Simiites (sp?), but I also like running water (i.e. focets that work, and toilets that flush). So a-camping we went.
We were meeting with a group making about eight people total. Among these was someone I'll call Mr. X. Mr. X is an interesting person. When I first met him, I liked him. He was loud and funny. We had some good times just hanging out at parties, going to Rocky Horror, etc. The second time I met him, I thought, "Ok, he's a little obnoxious and needs too much attention, but I still like the guy." No biggie, I can handle attention-needy: I grew up in church! We were hanging out, having a good time, and Mr. X was being loud, as usual. I didn't really have a problem with that as long as we didnt get yelled at by any rangers or other campsites. Annoying, yes, but tolerable.
I called it a night fairly early. I had a long drive up there, and after a long week at work, I just felt tired. I like to sleep in, especially when I'm camping. My back doesnt take too well to sleeping on rocks. When I say sleep in, I mean about 10. I don't really mind waking up earlier, as long as I can rest in bed. I woke up at 8 to the sound of a stereo. Not just soft morning music, no, loud, obnoxious bass-filled music. Now, I'm a little irritable when I wake up, and I know this, so I said nothing. A few minutes later, I hear Mr. X and his friend (Mr. Y from here on out) exclaim that they need beer. My family has a negative disposition towards alchohol. I've never grown up around it, even in party situations. After I turned twenty-one, I never really took to alchohol like others did. I'm not entirely sure, but I think that eight o'clock might be a little early for beer. In fact, I'm pretty sure that eight o'clock might be a good sign of an alchoholic.
Despite the fact that Mr. X was loud at eight, he was also loud before anyone else was awake. When I'm awake, I try to be as quiet as I can. I don't like to wake others up because I know how irritating it is to be woken up. I can sleep through almost anything, but it concerns me to hear that others are drinking at eight, so I decided to stay awake, in case there was a need for a sober thinking individual. Despite Mr. X being loud and obnoxious it was a pretty uneventful day. Lots of alchohol, and lots of noise, but nothing out of the ordinary.
Later that evening, after more alchohol and some marijuana, Mr. Y decided that playing with fire was a good idea. Nothing dangerous, just adding too much wood to the fire. I find fire very interesting, and I like a big fire. I assume that after mind-altering chemicals, big fires are even more fascinating, so I think nothing of it. A couple of other sober individuals besides myself were watching the fire, so I wasn't too worried any danger. Mr. X decided that the fire was too big, and picked up the still flaming log, and threw it into some dry brush.
Now, in Mr. X's defense (?), he had been drinking all day and was also under the influence of weed. I don't mind obnoxious. I can ignore attention needy. I can put up with people who arent very intelligent for a weekend, but when that dumbass threw a burning log into the brush, I decided that was it. I yelled, "Hey, Dumbass! You don't throw burning logs like that." Then, thinking, like sober people curiously enough do, I decided to get some water and run over to the burning embers. After calling other people names all weekend long, Mr. X decided that it wasn't ok for me to call him a name. Funny how that worked out.
This is where the discrepensies begin. From one point of view, I jumped in Mr. X's face and started antagonizing him. From the second point of view, he jumped in my face and started threatening me. I am a non-violent person. I ask anyone who disagrees with me to comment. In fact, most people find the idea of me fighting pretty friggin funny, as do I. Mr. X probably weighs between 200 and 215, pure muscle. He was on weed and alchohol. He has a threatening personality and an ego problem that he usually tries to compensate for. I am 185, pure fat. I run when we play ultimate frisbee on monday nights, and that is my only form of exersise. I am a computer nerd and being so, have accepted my insecurities. I was not on weed, nor alchohol, and was in fact, not on any mind-altering drugs. I ask you to decide for yourself who got into whose face.
I dearly, dearly love Melissa. As soon as she saw the problem, she jumped into my face and said, "Kyel, he's not worth it. Just drop it."
To which I replied, "No. We've been putting up with his shit all weekend, its time he stopped."
Instantly, she was at my side. She supported me the whole way, and for that, and not that alone,I love her.
Mr. X was quite upset at this point because I refused to back down and/or apologize. I didn't really care about him, all I really cared about was getting some water on those embers. He can talk shit to me all night long, but I like to know that we're not going to burn down the camp. I told this to Mr. X who replied, "The situation is already taken care of." Now, I'm no fire expert, in fact, I hate most forms of science as they usually go above my head. If I am wrong on this account, I ask you to enlighten me. Aren't red glowing embers capable of starting fires? Especially when they are in dry brush and leaves? I thought so.
Mr. X told me that I had about three seconds to move, or he was going to hit me. And five seconds later his hand made contact with my head. Once again, me = small, no stupid enough to pick fights with those bigger than me, and sober. Mr. X = big, not intelligent enough to back away from unecesary fights with those smaller than him, and under the influence. Do you think I struck back? Of course not. I am non-violent by nature, and philosophy. I think Ghandi made more of an impact on this planet than Bin Laden ever could. At this point, Mr. X's friends pulled him away and I was able to put out the embers. Once again, my wonderful fiance with another bottle of water, at my side. At this point, we packed our things and left.
The real problem with the situation, is that this has nothing to do with Mr. X and me. This really has to do with Ms. R and Ms. S. You see, Ms. R and Ms. S have been friends for a very long time. They both care about each other in that wonderful way that only long-time friends can. They have seen each other's good times, and bad. They have been there for each other through the good times, and bad. This incident was only a side-effect of their relationship issues. I don't know Ms. R or Ms. S well enough to get into their problems. I don't know their problems. All I know is, that even a situation like this can bring about good. I truely hope that Ms. R and Ms. S can once again, remember their bond, and come back to one another. After all, isnt that what the best of friends do?
The story you just read is true. The names have been changed to protect the...well, you know who the innocent were, I guess they've been changed to protect the stupid!
Thu, 21 Jan 2010
Bash Scripting is Fun!
Today I wrote a little Bash script. This script just looks at all the blog posts that already exist in my public directory and see if I have any new posts in my staging directory.
I'm not much of a programmer, as much as I try to be. I've written some scripts, mostly Bash, T-SQL & SSRS, and WScript. I've also learned some PHP, Flash, and C++. That being said, I just don't think like a programmer. That's what makes me kind of proud of this script.
BTW, I'm NOT going to show you my staging and published variable locations for obvious reasons |;)
Before anyone throws a hissy fit: Yes, this is ENTIRELY over engineered. A simple 10 line or less script would have done the job. But, I did it really to learn, and learn I did. The hardest part was probably was figureing out the details of the While loop at the end. I did get to toy with Awk and Sed, which I was kinda excited about. They're both a little confusing, but extremely helpful.
Also, the Echos are just for testing, although I could modify them to output what is being moved.
Let me know if you have any questions or suggestions!
Sun, 10 Jan 2010
The Designing Engineer's Dliema
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I've just finished SteamBoy, which is a fascinating movie if you're any kind of Engineer. If you're not, don't bother. As a whole, it was a crappy move, but it raised a lot of questions in my mind about design and user interaction.
First, some fundamentals of design: If you are an designing engineer, you know that you have to balance between two points. On one side, you have control over the device at the expense of ease of UI. On the other side, if you make something too simple, it can't be adapted, fixed, or adjusted. Most designers are stuck in the middle of these two points. Pretend your designing a car: If you are like most people, you have a rough idea of how your car works. When someone sits behind the wheel of that car, they are using the car's UI or User Interface. The dash, the speedometers, the wheel, gas and brake pedals, are all a part of that UI. You can design the car in one of two ways:
A) Simplicity
You can have your driver sit in the car and understand nothing of how it works. No shifter, no brakes, no signals, no gas-gauge, headlights or even a steering-wheel. This is the "simple" UI design. While easy to use, it has the problem that the driver has no idea how the car works. They don't know why sometimes the car works, and sometimes it doesn't. They don't know that a feature like "headlights" will enable them to drive at night. All they just know that when they push the gas it goes, when they take their foot off of the gas it stops. That's all they know and all they understand. When it runs out of gas, they will have to call you to "fix" it (Which you can do by putting in gas).
This design is highly dependent on what the standard use is for that car. Do you want to go to off-roading? Too bad. These cars don't do that. You can only drive on pre-designated routes. If a kid runs in front of the car and the driver wants to slow down fast? Too bad, these cars don't have breaks. While this makes it easy and simple for the driver, they can't adjust the car to match their circumstances. The other side of the spectrum is:
B) Control
Your driver will sit in a car that looks like a spaceship. They will have headlights, steering-wheel, shifter, gas, break, oil, tire pressure, heat sensors, propellers, wind-speed, air-speed, ground-speed, fins, flippers, oxygen, CO2, sonar, infra-red, warp-speed, satellite communications, turbines, a nuclear reactor and even an espresso maker. This car will do it all, but the driver has to know how it works, he will have to be trained. Once trained, he can take this car off-roading if he wants, he can take it in the air, the sea or space, but he will have to know how to use it, which means he will need to understand how each part works.
This is where the Engineering Designer's problem arises:
How do we design a real-life car? We'll have to figure out what most people want, and make something in the middle. This brings us to the modern cars of the day. If you want to add something to your car to make it go faster, you can, as long as you know which parts go where on the engine. Some people know, some people don't. So should engineers design software to be easy to use? Or complicated but more adaptable? Where is the happy middle ground? Is there a happy middle ground?
Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell
I just finished Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell... finally. It is a rather large book, and it was long. I would like to say that it is long in the way that The Hobbit was long, or The Stand; that is to say, it took a lot of pages, but was exciting, entertaining, and enthralling throughout those many pages. Unfortunately, I can't.
I can't say it was a bad book, either, mind you, just that it was unecessarially long. Like a Dickens' novell, or a Bronte. It had a great story, with interesting characters, and intriguing writing. I did enjoy it, but like a carton full of ice cream, there was too much to enjoy.
I do have to admit that, of all written forms, I love short stories the most. I like them because they are straight and to the point. No bullshit, no glamor, no pomp. Just a story. I don't claim to be a literary genious myself, just a guy with a no-hit blog on the internet. But novels such as this are tiresome. I do enjoy novels, but long, drawn out, filler-stuffed novels are slowly becoming a thing of the past: be that good or bad.
I understand why Clarke styled her novel the way that she did: Like a Dickens' or a Bronte, because the story was of the same period, and the style was meant to imitate the old British novel. I felt she did an OK job of it, spelling "chuse" and "shewed," and maintaining the long-winded dialogues that never happen in real life, but I never really believed it. It felt too contrived, too fabricated. To be honest, I can't even explain why it felt that way. Maybe, if I had been given the book and told it was written in the 19th century, I would have believed it, but I can't say I ever felt the style genuine.
I did enjoy the way she mixed Fantasy and Alternate History, as if nothing needed explaning. Often novels of the sort are required to "fill you in" and explain or define the mystic/realistic combination. Clarke does none of that, but treats the reader as any other observer from that world would be treated: As if magic were, not common, but not fantastical and foreign either.
Overall, I'd say it was a good book, but to be honest, I'd rather have waited for the movie.
Dieting Sucks
For those of you that don't know, I've gotten an iPhone through work. It ended up being cheaper for them in the long run, and cooler for me. Since then, I've gotten a *free* app called LoseIt!
No, this isn't a plug, but this app has been great. It asks you what your weight goals are, then sets a calorie limit. You take calories away by eating, and add calories by working out. It's a great logging tool.
That being said, I never realized how many calories I was going through. Now that I've been keeping track, I've grown to really hate dieting. In the end, it'll be good, I just hate the journey.
I want a Twinkie.... |:(
Bye Bye Blogger
Ok, well, I've finally had it. I'm tired of using Blogger. I've just had too many problems with them that they've tried to push back to me. Here's the latest one:
Blogger Disappointment
I'm not so upset that they've blamed me, as much as their refusal of admitance. As I said in my response, I came assuming is was my fault, and I was more than willing to take the blame. I was just looking for some help in how to find my error. It really perturbed me that they blamed me, but refused to show me any logs or help me find my errors. The more I dug, the more it became obvious that it was their fault. If you've got a history of being at fault, just own up to it. I would gladly own up to it being my fault, and at first I did.
That being said, I've stated with a new service. This is Blosxom (pronounced Blossom). Let me know what you think of it. This isn't a service so much as it's a program on my server. I'm liking the open source factor so far. I'm going to start using some plug-ins (so it doesn't look so ugly). I believe all of them are Open-source, so let me know if you don't like something, (or if you do) and I'll change it.
As for now, I'm going to bed. I hate working out...
Hardware Chart
I found a great chart to help with Hardware. Sometimes RAM all looks alike, as well as CPU Sockets, etc. Here's a handy little chart to help out!
Computer Component Chart
Graceland
I'm off to see Graceland today. I'm interested in seeing it, but I think my Wife is going to go nuts if we don't get there soon. I'm sure we'll have fun, but it's a three hour drive away.
After that, we get to visit with my cousin and her two kids! I'm excited about that. It's been a looooong time since we've seen them.
What I'm really excited about though, is Texas De Brazil. I've you've never eaten there, I highly reccommend looking one up. It's magical. Imagine Dim Sum with steak and chicken. Yes, it's as magical as it sounds. There's one off of Beal street, which is a great place to go anyway.
Overall, I'm excited, just a little grumpy about having to wake up at 6 AM. |:P
By the way, how do you like my new blog layout? I'm still not finished with it, but I think it looks a lot better than it did before. Hoorah learning HTML/CSS on the fly!
If you're looking for a link to my old blog, look no further!
Old Blog
Eventually I'll move all of my old posts over, but for now, this is all you get.
Mwuahahahaha!!!!!!!11111oneoneone
